Tuesday, July 1, 2014

She's a Black Widow

My main-floor's bathroom has a slightly-odd configuration. The loo is by the door, the bathtub/shower is parallel to it, the sink with the mirror is a few feet away next to the outside window, and shelves sit at the end of the tub area.

A few Saturdays ago, I walked into the bathroom to brush my hair. I noticed something black on the ceiling near the corner of the shelving. As I got closer, I could see that it was a spider, a Black Widow, no less. Generally, when I find a lone spider in my home, I carefully catch it and throw it outside. But, I am not so generous when it comes to Black Widows. 

No. 

They scare the bejeebers out of me.

I remembered hearing that spraying a spider with hairspray would kill it swiftly. That sounded much better to me than trying to squish it in some toilet paper. I grabbed my bottle of hair spray and stepped up on to the toilet so that I could reach far enough to spray the Widow.

As I began spraying, it apparently made her very mad. She spun her web very fast and came, no, jumped at me. I screamed and jumped myself. Forgetting I was atop the toilet, I fell, crashing into the door. 

"Surely my arm is broken", I thought.

Groaning in severe pain, I eventually stood up. I called my orthopedic doctor who usually takes care of me. As it was Saturday, he told me to go to the Emergency Room of the hospital and get it checked out. I dragged myself there.

After x-rays had been taken, and waiting for almost an hour and a half, the doctor finally came in to see me. I was glad to get the "results". But, first, he wanted to get my "fall" information directly from me.

"What happened to you?"

"I think I broke my arm. I fell."

"How did that happen?"

"I fell off the toilet."

He began laughing. 

I was offended. 

Oh. 

"I was STANDING on the toilet. I was trying to kill a spider."

He stopped laughing.

"Well. I think the spider fared better than you did. You do not have a broken arm but you have severely bruised it. We will put you in a sling. Keep it on for the next few days, until your arm starts to feel better. We will give you some pain medication to take the edge off the pain. Take it easy for the rest of the day. Hopefully, tomorrow you will begin feeling better."

With that, I was sent on my way.

Arriving home, I saw that the Black Widow was on the floor of my bathroom. She was still alive but because of the stickiness of the hair spray, was much slower. I grabbed some toilet paper, picked her up in it, opened the door to outside, walked far away from my house, and let her go.

Two weeks later, I received my billing from the hospital. 

Me, $200 poorer.

Black Widow, free.

Sheesh.