Monday, August 25, 2014

Who knew?, part 2

Yesterday, I wrote about accepting a sexual move from my friend on a trip to Berlin and how it changed my life forever.

I have been thinking about that a lot recently. I am as perplexed as I have ever been in regards to this. Had she been a man, I would have seen the signs coming of someone trying to make the moves on me. I would also have shut it down in a second. I had always done that with men, never encouraged any relationship to go farther. I had certainly never encouraged a sexual relationship with any man to that point. (I wonder now- did I behave that way with men because I was such a good, moral, Mormon girl? Or, did I put the kibosh on such sexual relationships because I knew I was gay and did not want to involve myself with a man? I did not go down that road because I could not go down that road with any man, no matter what I may have felt for them. It made me depressed, even suicidal to think about ever having a "relationship" with a man- I would have preferred to be dead before that would ever take place. Oh, I dated. A lot. I was serious with many boys. I became engaged several times. I just could never take those relationships anywhere. I had always known I was gay. I just had not known, in the context of the Church, what being gay meant and would mean for me and my life. It is all very confusing for me.)

My friend- at that time in our history together, we had known each other nine months. We saw each other most every day, and multiple times every day. We had much in common. We made each other laugh. We enjoyed each other's company. We loved our long, evening walks together around the Heath. We trusted each other and shared many personal and private things with each other. As time went on, I knew I was falling for her, and hard. I was so in love with her that I could scarcely think about anything except her.

One Sunday, I went to her home and gave her a letter I had written. In the letter, I told her that I was feeling too much for her, how scared it made me, and that I needed to stop seeing her so often because it was leading me to feel things I should not feel for her- we were, after all, in the Stake Relief Society presidency together. It kicked me in the gut of my soul to write that letter to her. But, I felt that it was the right thing to do- I needed to back off from being so involved in her life and having her involved in mine. She called me a few hours later, asked if I could come to her home so that we could talk. I did. She told me if I was feeling too much for her, then it was her fault, that she had led me on, how sorry she was but that I did not need to leave the friendship, that we could work things out. I trusted her explicitly, naively, innocently. If we could work this out, then, we would work it out.

I felt relieved.

Yet, I still continued feeling so much for her. And, instead of seeing less of each other, we began seeing even more of each other. She began spending time with me at my home, especially late at night. She would be out very late because of her job, she had many responsibilities, she worked herself to the bone. I became extremely worried about her well being, wanted to offer not only companionship to her but also comfort. Many an evening found her at my home laying on the couch having fallen asleep watching the telly with me. I sensed her profound sadness and loneliness- it broke my heart. When I did see her, I tried embracing her as much as I could with my warmth and love, emotionally and physically.

In retrospect, it should not surprise me in the least that our relationship became more than "just friends". We had already fallen in love with each other. We had already established a great bond of care and trust. Many would say it was natural that the relationship would progress to where it went for two women who were gay. Except that I did not know she was gay. And, I had predetermined that I would never act on any feelings I had for her.

But, hold it. Why was I so eager to forget everything I had ever known, ever felt about personal restraint and not acting out physically with someone, not crossing any line where the Church was concerned? Why, with very little encouragement from her (two kisses), was I ready to just throw away every thing I had ever known and jump fully into "something" with her? I do not understand. And, I have asked myself this question a million times. Why? Why did I jump in so quickly? I have no answer. I do not know. Had she been a man, I would never have gone down that road with her. I would never have made a move on her. I wanted to, but I would never have done it. So, why did I? Why did I get "involved"? That is the million-dollar question.

I sorely wish I knew.