Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Thought 4 of 4: I tried, but gay is gay

After returning home from my mission, I jumped back into school with determination and focus. Having learned a foreign language on my mission, I now changed my university major to reflect that language and began taking the required classes for it and my mathematics minor.

These language classes I took were filled with mostly-returned missionaries. While there were generally 20-25 Elder returned missionaries, I was always the only Sister returned missionary. Which made going to classes pretty wonderful. I was in the mindset that, as a newly returned missionary, I would find a man, fall in love, and get married. These classes had loads of handsome, funny, charismatic men in them and I thought I would surely find the "love of my life" there.

In one of these classes was a boy named Cliff, also a newly returned missionary from (insert county). He was tall, several inches taller than me. While he was very shy, he made the effort to talk with me. He was cute and I wondered if he could be "the one". Eventually, we had our first date. It was pleasant enough- he had come to my home, we had saddled up a couple of horses and had gone for a ride. He had never been around horses much and was not very comfortable with the ride. I endured his lack of enthusiasm.

I "tried" making myself attracted to him. I "tried" having thoughts where I was "interested" in him. I would try "imagining" the two of us falling in love, hugging and kissing, engaging in a sexual relationship. As hard as I tried to have those kinds of feelings for him, they never came. In fact, with all the men I ever dated, those feelings never came.

It was my experience that I would date a man a time or two. He would declare his love for me and would want to get married, which would all send me into a deep depression. I found myself declaring that "I would rather be dead than to get married to any man". People, my family, thought I was being dramatic. I was not. I could not do it. I would rather have been dead than have to have married any man. It was not until after I had fallen in love with Sue that I finally understood what it was like to fall in love according to my orientation. Perhaps some people can fall in love, even marry, with a mixed orientation combination. I am not one who can. I cannot. It is not possible for me. It is not that I will not. It is that I can not.